Defending Yourself From Allegations of Domestic Abuse

San Diego divorce attorney, Elizabeth Brown, explains what can be done when an order for domestic violence has been filed against you. She covers collection of all possible evidence, the right to request an evidentiary hearing, and the consequences of not actively defending yourself from allegations of domestic abuse made as well as what happens immediately after it has been filed. ElizabethBrown, attorney, specializes in family law as a partner in the Lowenstein Brown law firm. She has served as President of the Public Interest Law Foundation and volunteered in the Peace Corps as an advocate for youth. In addition to her successful representation of clients in traditional court, Elizabeth Brown also excels using alternative dispute resolution models such as four way meetings, the use of special masters, and private judging. For more information on the successes and qualifications of Elizabeth Brown, please visit www.lowensteinfamilylaw.com Disclaimer: This communication is an advertisement as defined by The Rules of Professional Conduct and California Business and Professions Code. No communication resulting herein shall create an attorney-client relationship unless a separate retainer is signed by the attorney and the client. The information in this web site is published to inform our clients and friends about current issues of importance in the field of family law. The articles presented in this web site should be viewed only as a summary of each topic and not be ...



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Domestic Violence - Understanding Its Origin Empowers Us to Avoid it Or Leave It

The Illusions

The King of the Castle

In the abuser's ideal world, he is "the king of his castle." As the king of his castle, the abuser is convinced of his entitlement to his ideal world. Idealists set up structures and rules to achieve their ideals; they create an ideology. The creation of this ideology is subtle and progressive; his focus is self-centered, self-serving and relentless.

Ideologies have their own:

beliefs
language
enforcement system

In the abuser's mind, his perceived entitlement, by extension, nullifies our rights and freedoms. He expects us to defer to his opinions and decisions and to be "seen and not heard" or we will pay the consequences. We are to meet his emotional, psychological and physical needs. His sense of entitlement is his justification for his injustice to us.

Our compliant nature and low self-esteem attract the abuser.

We have spent most of our lives hiding in fear. Our fears stem from our illusions of insufficiency and unworthiness. We believe we are less competent, desirable, and intelligent than others. This sense of unworthiness leads to fears of rejection and abandonment.

To protect ourselves from this we:

Suppress our needs in order to avoid the pain of having them denied - "I don't need acknowledgment, I don't need consideration;"
Recognize the needs and desires of others and do what we can to satisfy those;
Monitor and adjust our behavior and thoughts to match theirs until our own dreams, desires, opinions and identity disappear

We have an illusion of control when we deny ourselves and decide to meet the needs of others - the choice is then ours - whereas we feel helpless and vulnerable if we rely on others to meet our needs since the choice becomes theirs.

The illusions the abuser perpetuates, reinforce our illusions of ourselves:

The abusers sees himself as powerful, superior, intelligent, capable, important, respected and invincible while he convinces us that we are weak, inferior, stupid, incompetent, insignificant, unacceptable and invisible.

We may feel safer believing the lies and embracing our unworthiness because we fear what will be required if we change our mindset. The lies serve some purpose for us and we need to question the costs of letting them go and weigh them against the costs of believing in them.

Dissolving the Illusions

The cost of believing the lie:

Have we given up the pursuit of higher education?
Have we given up our spiritual beliefs thinking we are unworthy?
Have we given up looking after our appearance and health?
Have we given up associating with other people?
Have we given up our right to individual self-fulfillment?
Have we given up the right to be safe from harm?

Question the abuser's illusions: (to protect yourself do this within yourself, as it may be dangerous to directly challenge his sense of entitlement).

Are his expectations of us stemming from his love for us or himself?
Are our efforts at transforming ourselves into his dream, destroying or preventing us from discovering our own dream?
Is his concept (from the "Abused" list above) of who we are now, an illusion?
If this illusion were true would our partner still want us around (does he himself believe what he is trying to convince us to believe)?
Would he have chosen us in the first place (if he believed we were worthless)?
What does this say about him (does he have another agenda for psychological abuse)?
Is it to his advantage to have you believe the lie rather than the truth?

Just because he believes or says, something does not make it true. Lies are still lies even if they are believed. However, if we start with one of the lies in his list (or ours) and question it in various ways, we can begin to change our perception of it.

Questioning our illusions:

Do others believe this (from the abused list above) about me?
Did I see myself this way before I met my partner?
Are there inconsistencies with this view? (am I capable in some areas, do some people like me)
Did this lie start in childhood?
How do the lies affect my behavior, my choices?

The Revelation

Lies

Chain you in bondage
Bring darkness decay and despair
Bring discord
Bring fear

Truth

Sets you free
Brings light life and love
Brings peace
Brings trust

Lies are behind our low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. Truth brings the enlightenment needed to lift the veil and empower us to walk out of the mist and into the sunshine of freedom.

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Feb 24 Domestic Violence 2

Press conference at the Ohio Statehouse featuring Attorney General Richard Cordray, Rep. Jennifer Garrison and Sandra Stabile Harwood and others, talking about legislation aimed at curbing domestic/dating violence among teens.



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Boston Criminal Defense Attorney - Sex Crimes

Attorney Stephen Neyman discusses the difficulties of defending sex crime charges. It takes a very experienced lawyer to successfully handle these cases. The lawyers at the Law Offices of Steven Neyman handle many criminal cases including DUI, drug crimes, federal crimes, domestic violence, theft crimes, sex crimes, probation violations, white collar crimes, violent crimes, and motor vehicle offenses. You can contact an Mr. Neyman at www.NeymanLaw.com or by calling (617) 263-6800.



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Why Abuse Victims Are Finding the Strength to Fight Back

For many years, women have been ashamed to come forward if they were the victims of domestic abuse or a crime done against them such as a rape for fear of being ashamed or that the person would come and have revenge on them for going to the authorities. This stigma has been changing over the past few years with women gaining courage to fight against this type of crime. Through various programs, safe shelters and having the help of an experienced domestic abuse attorney or a domestic violence attorney, they are starting to fight back and are no longer ashamed.

Most cities have developed great programs for women and children that have suffered from abuse at home to help them to get back on their feet after they finally have had enough and get away from the situation they were in. There are women's shelters that deal specifically with battered women that help them with counseling, searching for a job and provide them with a safe place to stay until they are healthy enough emotionally to be on their own. They also help these women with the care of their children which they may have had to bring with them when they escaped the abuse.

Women are finally realizing they have the right to be treated with dignity and not to be ashamed that they ended up in an abusive relationship. One reason why women wait so long to leave their abuse is that they think the person will change when they tell them how sorry they were and because they love them, they choose to believe them until they are hurt again. Another reason they stay in the unhealthy relationship is from feeling scared that the person who has controlled them and abused them will take it out on them to a more severe extent from them leaving and possibly also pressing charges. Because so many of these women have been controlled, that fear is a real reason why they do not seek help.

Another situation is when a woman is the victim of a crime, especially a rape victim. Sometimes their behavior leading up to the rape makes them feel like somehow they have been responsible for it happening. For example, if they went out drinking and wearing sexy clothing, some people may make them feel like they were asking for it. This is one of the biggest problems in why so many women do not report being raped because society has made them feel like they are at fault when that is absolutely not the case at all.

With more awareness being brought to the issue through programs as well as through the media, women are now realizing it is not their fault and they do not deserve to be hurt or treated that way any longer. Some celebrities have also come forward saying how they were abuse victims and they will not tolerate it any longer giving other women the strength to do the same.

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